Well it has been few days since i last post something here. I wanted to but yet at the same time i dont. More of procastinating and being lazy too. Hahaha....
Every nite i wonder to myself why do i need to torture myself with the thinking. I already know that it will be impossible with wat i know. I cant be selfish and ask everything just to satisfy my questions and wonderings that comes up to my mind.
And every time i ask why bother talking either, when i cant talk like i used to. Not only i feel bad about not telling naturally, i feel bad too coz i need to put on a mask to talk just so people might think everything is alrite....is like so rude. At the same time it feels like adding salt unto the wound coz i wan to say it but yet i cant. So many times i just want to ask but i rather have it to be told naturally and willingly and not asked, but i guess it wont happen.
I wanted to throw it away but yet i wasnt't able to do it. It has so many things said that i hold on to and also a reason for me. But yet now those things seems meaningless, useless, unimportant. In fact any sane person would do is throw it away, but yet i didnt.
The song that has coming from my mouth, originated from my heart, never have i got the words right as it has been for the pass few days. Mayb...maybe i need to feel even more of what i'm feeling to fully get the lyrics rite for the tune that i always have in my mouth. Only time will tell.
For the past few days i had the urges, urges to smoke. Surprise? Better not be. This is not my first time i having these urges. And i don't, never did, never will smoke. Cigrattes and smoking, i've know it my whole life, but yet never did it ever come near to lighting it and being in my mouth. I wont say i hate nor will i say i like it. To me is just a some weeds that is rolled up on a piece of paper that is to be light and inhale wat is burned then exhale wat is left. Every time i have these urges it gets stronger as though i've smoke it before but yet i have not smoked before. It was so strong that to a point, i not noticing that i took a resit that i had in my hand...roll it up till it looks like a cigratte and holding it in between my fingers as though i really smoking...that urge was that bad. And when i get to my sense and realising it. I freak out.
After that urge of smoking disappear, yet another new urge come to me. Now more of a physical urge. Sexuality. I admit that i've been expose to porn but i've stop and been controlling myself for some time now. Even when these urges came to me, i was close to failing to control but yet i did. Not easy and never will. These sinful nature of mine, when will i fuly overcome it. When will it get it out of body, my mind. These lust i just want it to be remove from me....
Ever since i came here, money comes into the picture first when regarding of things. Just like getting a fixed internet line, the fees for installation became a problem. And ending up getting the house like a freaking mad house, with all the noise. And then selfishness arose as the consequences. It feels so fucked up.
Valentine day is coming. Mayb a few hours away if u r reading it during the nite. I was wished but yet i wasn't thrill about it. I was more on a disappointment feel, thouh plans has been made and gifts is prepared. I only hope for the best for the plan but i know deep in me i'm bothered.
My thumb is sore in preparing the gifts. Maybe i'll post more on that after the Valentine Day. But then again maybe i wont. It all depends on my mood.
Seriously, i've been having trouble typing post here. I got to like write down somewhere and change it as i take my time to type it here. Is like as though so many things to be said comes one after another and it overlaps the other that i cant keep up with it and resulting me to write it down. But i hope this is something that is for now. I dun wan to waste my time writing everything down then type. And i got to find place to dispose wat has been written. Sigh....
That is all this time around....and like the previous posts, i shall tag which i got it from Jessica from facebook. SO here goes the tag call :ONE WORD
It'harder than you think!! Here is what you are supposed to do...and please don't spoil the fun...Copy and paste in your own blog, type in your answers and tag a bunch of people - Let make this 5 people.
Where is you cell phone? Table
Your hair? Black
Your father? Somewhere
Your favorite thing? PSP?!
Your dream last night? Nightmare
Your favourite drink? None
Your dream/ goal? Successful
The room you are in? mine
Your fear? many
Where do you want to be in 6 years? TBA
Muffins? Dislike
One of your wish list items? Rich?!
Where you grew up? Msia
The last thing you did? talk
What are you wearing? Shirt
Your TV? Big?!
Your pets? none
Your computer? laptop
Your life? Experieced
Your mood? Disappointments
Missing someone? Definately
Your car? Car-less
Favorite store? Giordano
Your summer? Hot
Your favourite colour? Black (for now)
When was the last time you laughed? Just
Last time you cried? Forgotten
Three people who email me? Lilian, Xiau Min, Shian Shian
Three places would rather be right now? Msia with my frens...and holiday plans my frens has
Three people i think will respon? Esther...hahaha..she is the only person i could think of will respond, the rest prove me wrong please!!
Tag:
1) Esther
2) Charis
3) Carmen
4) Xiau Min
5) Melody
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